This is an unofficial English translation. The Scouse text is the only authoritative version (Article 3).

Scouse · English

The Great Seal of Dingle

Socialist Republic of the

Isle of Dingle

Official website of the Dinglese Government

Home / Public Services

GRASS

The General Responsible Authority for Scouse Security keeps the Republic’s data, networks and public bodies safe. Yes, we know what it spells. No, we are not changing it.

At a glance

Executive Director
Frederick Roth, “the Chief GRASS”
Responsible minister
Furfendale Yakubu MHP, Comptroller of Secrets
Type of body
Civilian

GRASS is a civilian body. The Republic has no armed forces, and nothing about GRASS is military. Its work is mostly the unglamorous business of keeping computers, data and public services secure, and its staff would like you to know that it is much more boring than it sounds.

What we do

Protecting yer NAN

Everything held behind your NAN is encrypted and is the sovereign property of the Republic. It is never sold, licensed or handed to a private company, and the register itself never leaves the island (Twenty-eighth Amendment). GRASS keeps it that way.

Cyber security

We protect the networks of the Government, the councils and the services owned in common, and we publish free advice for households and businesses on keeping safe online.

Scams

If someone has tried to scam you, by phone, text, email or on Strings, tell your local council office and they will pass it to us. Reporting a scammer is not grassing. We checked.

Vetting

We carry out security checks for civil servants and others working in sensitive roles.

How we are held to account

GRASS answers to the Comptroller of Secrets, who answers to the House Purple. Its work is bound by the Constitution like everyone else’s: general warrants are out, mass surveillance is not on, whatever it gets called and whatever it is supposedly for, and nobody’s letters, calls or messages can be read without a warrant from a judge naming them and the reason (Article 40).

Page last reviewed: 29 October 2029